Social Festering......

Last night was a difficult night-I found myself feeling lost and unsure of what to do. I spent the night festering, worrying-something I have learned to do quiet very well. I might add...I wrote to some boards, the "old wise ones" I am apart of to get some jewel of wisdom and sure enough I got one that touched me...It amazes me, humbles me, and makes me realise how much I am still learning and how much I still need to grow and learn....Here's her email posted after mine...

>
> Okay ladies-Im in desperate need of support and guidance here....
> This will be our 2nd year homeschooling and Im feeling more alone
> in this than ever......:(Tonight I found myself in tears-and I havent
> cried since he was in that nightmare we went through in PS....:(
> I feel we dont belong anywhere. Co-ops ard here have typical kids
> and they dont understand. ASD support groups ard here all have their
> kids in special programs in PS and arent homeschooling...sigh....I
> just feel alone....:(
> We live in a little country town in Utah. A Homeschooling Co-op just
> started in our own little town and I was SOOOOOOOOOOO excited. I
> thought Okay-this is a little group Stinger will be fine...right? Well
> they meet tomorrow and its just a getting to know you type deal at the
> playround near the library. I went over everything with Stinger
> tonight-very low stress and informed him of every detail. He procedded
> to put his head under the covers and cry.....:( He said he doesnt want
> to have anything to do with any kids-no matter who they are. He says
> they are all mean-they will be all mean-he HATES them already he said
> and cried some more telling me he'd stay in the car and play with his
> army guys....
> I had no idea how the peers at his PS had hurt him so deeply
> inside.It makes me tear up just thinking abt it....:( Will the trust EVER
> be there back again-or is it permanantly gone?????
> We had a deep discussion and he said he was fine playing with his
> sister and brother-that is all he needs he said. I said well what abt
> when they get bigger and they both have other friends and are out with
> them? What then? He said "well then Ill play by myself-I dont need
> anyone......."....SIGH.......
> I guess I thought things had gotten better-we have been doing soooo
> well at home with school-hes loving it and was so excited to start on
> Monday :) But the hurt is still there from the peers at PS. I dont
> know how to get ard this? Can I? How do I change this? Do I? He has
> absolutely NO desire to make ANY kind of connection with anyone
> outside the family. He said he is happy, that he is not lonely-that he
> doesnt want a friend. Is this all that matters really? Is this okay?
> When he was in school they forced this type of social interaction on
> him( which Im sure caused alot of the problems)-at home its not. But
> as his teacher now how do I go abt dealing with this? Or is this just
> how it is going to be?
> Now you talk with the Mental Health professionals and they seam to
> think this is sooo unhealthy. Im lost as to what to do.
> His first comment when he went under the covers tonight was " Today
> in school was great Mom-but you just ruined it." .......:(
> Help me ladies-what do I do????????
>



You are NOT alone! You nearly described my life in your post. My son
is 11 and we are going to start our 3rd year of homeschooling. We
live in a neighborhood with no potential kid friends, we also don't
really "fit in" - we tried the local homeschool co-op - didn't work
for many reasons. Ever since we started homeschooling I knew we would
have to venture out of the house at least sometimes. My son would
happily stay inside and occupy himself but we joined homeschool
bowling -one of the few sports type things that my son is good at and
enjoys. Through that we did find a friend for me and my son. We have
done many activities with them and are so utterly grateful that at
least we have that. For some reason, though, other potential friend
opportunities have fallen through - just not meant to be I guess? It
is truly heartbreaking but I have faith in God and that gets me
through a lot. I remember a Bible passage - can't remember where it
is but it gives me comfort "God sets the lonely in families" I
really believe that.

I don't mean to turn this into a post about "me, me, me" but I want
you to see how you are not the only one that feels lonely at times.
My son, having AS, has a low tolerance for loud, chaotic, kid type
things -which is what most things for his age are - he also has a low
need for a lot of social interaction. I have finally accepted that -
after MUCH stuggle on my part. He can be social when the activity or
subject matter is interesting to him - if it's not - he wants no
part of it. I understand what your son is feeling about how his peers
hurt him in ps - they did the same thing to my son and it took a lot
of discussion and hugs and loving on him to get him to see that it
will not always be that way.

OK all the doom and gloom is done and here's the postive side of it!
We may never fit in? So what? We can and will still enjoy many
activities and experiences that life has to offer. My son is
currently trying an acting class through a local christian theater
group - will he make friends through this? I don't know but the fact
that my son is willing to try this is the most important thing to me.
As he gets older and more mature he can tolerate much more of the
social stuff- that doesn't mean he goes somewhere and instantly has a
rapport with another kid and they are best friends forever. That may
never happen and may not even be important to my son....right now.
Right now he is still figuring things and he cannot be pushed. Please
don't believe the so called "experts" who say you're harming your
child by not forcing your son to "Be social"- it can't be done. Your
son is telling you what he needs right now and right now he may need
you to back off of the "social thing" and just find real easy, no
expectation of socialness needed type activities to do with your son.

I found that most of my time in homeschooling is looking for these
activites -it takes a lot of effort but the internet, newspaper, etc.
does ease the burden. It would be nice if we just "belonged" to the
co-op where all the activities are sort of ready made and the kids are
already there but that doesn't work for us.

You will find what works for you and your son - it takes time, soul
searching and actually looking at your son and seeing what he truly
needs, not what society might THINK he needs.

Pray a lot, cry a lot and come here or to other boards (I belong to
several) I always feel uplifted when I do.

Jane

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What a lift -eh? I tell ya what-it felt like a hug from a long lost friend:) Made my night! What an encouragement-eh?